Not sure if I am qualified to do this tag, or may be I am extra qualified to do this tag since I had to struggle to figure out my sexual orientation. You see, being gay mean that nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men (minor stuff like admiring their well toned bodies and wishing I could spend that much time in gym). For the longest time I thought that there is something wrong with me.

I am a late bloomer. Mostly because I didn't know the alternative was even possible. So I did get close to guys. I liked them, I got along with them but I never felt that chemistry, that spark every one talks about. Well, not till I met my girlfriend (yes, we are back together but that's another post). I always thought that I am simply incapable of love.

Thinking back, had I been born in one of the western countries, I might have known my sexual orientation a bit earlier in life. My first ever crush was on my class VII Chemistry teacher, Ms. K, although I did not categorize it as a crush for a long time.

I have always been a good student and very responsive in class except for her class (my friends compare me to Hermione). I used to simply sit and stare at her in the class, not listening to a word she was saying. I spent the recess after her class (thankfully her class was just before recess) copying the notes from my friends.  She was beautiful, not hot but just beautiful. You know the lines from Snow white: Skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hairs as black as raven. It fitted her perfectly (okay, lips not as red as blood but still  quite close). She had the most beautiful big eyes ever (okay, I am still not over her. She was my first crush!).

Thankfully I changed school in class VII or I would have definitely failed in Chemistry class. I didn't classify it as a crush for a long time. Ms. K later moved on to the prestigious boys school of our town to teach Chemistry to XI and XII class. Whenever boys around me talked about their crush on Ms. K, I knew what they were talking about. I knew how physically impossible it was to concentrate in her class.

My biggest test came when my best friend in university fell for me. It was a perfect setup in so many ways. I could have married him and have lived happily with my best friend (isn't that's what most of us want?) except that I never felt that spark, that physical attraction towards him. Had I been a sexless robot as that auntyji suggested, I would have done that but that "something is missing" part ruined it completely. After a lot of hurt, pain and, of course, heart break, we do not even talk to each other anymore. He is married and have two kids now.

It took me thirty years and a lot of pain and struggle to reach here but I eventually figured it out (I blame Indian society, culture and, of course, homophobia for my lost years). Nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men. Its because I am gay. My eye candies belong to a different gender. But I do have them. I mean the eye candies.

I had to share this.

(Source)

I am so glad I have this alter ego where I can share such stuff. A place where it is safe to talk about being gay and rejoicing and sharing things like this cute letter. 

I am out to my parents and two of my friends. My parents are okay with it (some day I will write another post on my coming out to my parents and all that drama). Out of the two friends, I lost one, the other was very supportive. Reaction of my friend (the one who had problems with this), made me very cautious about coming out to my friends. That and also my mom's request of not making this fact know among her social circle since it will literally mean her boycott from her circles (I a talking about a small town in India), I really can not put things like this on my Facebook profile, can I? 

Anyhoo, I am glad that I have a place to share things I can not talk about anywhere else. 

Well, that is the current state of everything around me including the weather, the work, my personal life, my moods and my health. Everything is a big blah. So I decided to blah away on the blog. Isn't that what blogs are for? Rambling. Well, at least that's what mine is for.

So what's going on, you ask? Well a lot. Which is good in a way that I don't have time to mope around and feel sorry for myself. But that also makes me wonder if I am running away from grief. But I digress.

So I have been very busy for past few weeks and it isn't intentional. The work has been crazy. Well, just not busy crazy but absolute-nonsense and office-politics crazy. Normally, I hate office politics but my current job description requires me to be a liaison between different technical groups. If you have ever work as a liaison, you might know what I am talking about. Every one in every group have their own agenda and its my job to make everything work smoothly. It is an absolute nightmare.  The worst thing is when one of those people doesn't want to compromise and becomes petty/sore loser (honestly, grow up!) if, for whatever reason, their agenda is not met. I have to watch everything I say, things I put on a slide and of course, while interacting with such people. And I am new at this (changed to this role six months ago and have been recently (=last 2-3 months) given all these responsibilities) so I almost always screw up. As I said work is blah.

And don't get me started with the weather. I mean, its March for crying out load. How can the temperatures be still in negatives? I guess the weather forgot that this is not Canada or Arctic. This is London. March means starting of spring. March means temperatures in positives. And definitely no snow.

To top it all, its flu season and, of course, I got it. But being busy at work and being a liaison and all that, I had to work through it. I worked from home mostly but I worked through my high, muscle-inflaming fever and soon-to-drop-dead weakness.

Well, I am not even going to personal relationship category. Although my ex did drop by when I was very sick and got me some medicine and food etc. so not that grouchy about it at the moment but then I don't want to go back to that either so that's another blah...

Can I please catch a break sometime that is soon? Hating everything around me. That reminds me, I have a new set of room-mates now and they all are another big blahs. I have had my full quota of blahs for the year. Can I please not get any more of that stuff for the rest of the year? Thank you.