I have lived by myself for past 11 years now. I used to think I have gotten used to loneliness. I came to this city looking for companionship and realized that I am a pretty good company for myself. And no, I am not talking about the phrase:

"Better alone than a bad company"

(it is pretty valid phrase and I am not arguing against it either). I am instead talking about isolation and loneliness associated with the company of others versus joy of being alone by yourself, free to do what-so-ever you want to do. And yes, I know and I understand the joy of having the right company where opinions are appreciated and counted. Companions to whom you could open up and share your self. I am not talking about those. I am talking about those dreaded companions who make you feel completely alone when they are around you. As if you don't matter. The worst thing about such companions is that you can't simply do what you would prefer to do. Instead you end up doing what they want to do even though you don't enjoy it.

At times, its not about how good or bad the thing that you are forced to do, like the movie you were made to watch might be even good but its about being bullied into doing something, not being given option and not valuing your opinion, that makes it completely unenjoyable.

The loneliness in such a company is extreme. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have spent days without talking to anyone to the extent my voice croaked when I finally spoke. Yet I never felt this lonely. There was a choice. I was free to do what-so-ever I chose to do. I didn't have to pretend when I was at home. I was me. I was happy.

Hopefully, I will be there again. Someday. Soon.

I am not sure how people do it. I mean write under a pseudonym. Every time I have started writing a post in past few weeks I felt I am making it easier to identify me. But then no one I know knows about existence of this blog. Hopefully. So I guess I do need to shed the fear and start writing. Okay, here goes nothing.

Let me start by telling you a bit about myself so that my latest "crisis"  makes sense. I have been a good student all my life. I grew up in a prestigious university campus in India where my dad was a professor. I have always done well in studies. I am a straight A student from Ivy league in US where I did my PhD. Naturally, my friend circle (which includes neighbours and friends) includes people from good universities. Almost all my friends have a PhD degree.

Why am I telling you this? Oh well, the other day it came up during conversation with my girl friend and her sister (they tend to gang up during most of our arguments. Being sister and all, they kind of agree on everything which becomes very frustrating for me but that's another post). The point of discussion being photography (one of my interests) and how I know better photographers than me. I was part of a photography group during my grad school in US. There are quite a few people in my friend/acquaintance circle who take amazing pictures (all of them are amateur photographers like me).

The response to that was "Yeah, but how many normal people do you know who can take better pictures?"

Normal people? Am I not normal? Is my friend circle not normal? Who is to say that I and my circle are abnormal? Who decides what is normal and what is not? To me, all my friends are normal. Okay, some them have few funny quirks. Some of them are quite insufferable as well but they are still very much normal. Thank you very much.

P.S.: Sorry about the rambling. Being new in the city, I still don't have friends here. I need to get a load off myself in order to function.